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HOW TO DRINK LIKE A LIMEYBIRD
As prepared by the Holiday Inn Wentzville:
2 oz Malibu Rum over ice in tall glass.
Fill glass 3/4 with Orange juice, top off with Sprite.
Garnish with 3 cherries!
You may also add 1 oz Vanilla Vodka,
or change up the Rum with Mango or Pineapple. Yum!
Other favourites include... ANY kind of Meade that Kurt & Cindy make!
Bunnie Likes: Dirty Vodka Martinis (so dirty ya cain't show em to yo Mama)
Charity likes: Margaritas. And DONT forget the salt.
Faith likes: Anything brewed in the bathtub. Or Chardonnay, if that's all you've got.
How To: Cook like a Limeybird
Um, you've got a toaster, right??
So, you're all set!
HOW TO FIX A TRAILER ROOF
As learned by us when trying to fix our trailer roof. After a torrential rainstorm in which The Limeybirds discovered that our trailer roof was less than waterproof. Yay.
Step One. Try to figure out how exactly you're going to get up on your roof. Walk around your trailer a few times mumbling and muttering under your breath. Look up, experimentally try to balance on a tire and lift yourself up just in case you can quasi reach the roof. Discover that, no. You can't. Continue walking around trailer. Realize that you need a ladder. Assess your car; can you use that to get up there? No. You can't.
Step Two. Go on search of ladder. It's a rennie campground. Surely someone has a ladder? Go from friend to friend and see who hasn't got one. Everyone seems to know someone who might have a ladder. Search continues. Finally after exhausting your search of the someone that someone saw that maybe they think has one becuase someone saw them once look at a ladder; dejectedly come back to your trailer. After walking past the office; and happen to look down under the raised shed roof; see something glint in the bushes. It looks surprisingly like a ladder leg. Is it? Yay! IT is!!
Step Three. Clear off the weeds. Do the "HOLY CRAP ANTS" dance. (You Texans know what I mean) Drag ladder back to trailer.
Step Four. Climb up to assess damage. Wow. Does this roof need to be cleaned. Head to Home Depot!
Step Five. Navigate the 5600 aisles at Home Depot all marked with items that look exactly the same. Find the roof repair section. Stand there mumbling and muttering under your breath at all the diffeernt varieties and price ranges of the roof repair stuff. See the different kinds. Some need fabric, some don't. Some need extra gel coats, some don't. But what's right for YOU you ask? Search for Helpful Sales Associate.
Step Six. Find teenaged kid that looks like he'd rather be blowing up stuff on his video game system. Explain what you are trying to do while he stares blankly at you. Blink. Wait. Blink again. Finally he'll say "Ummm I dunno. Let me go get Ed". (Ed for those of you who don't know or haven't been to HD lately; is the ubiquitous middle aged man with the plaid shirt, suspenders, baggybum jeans and stained Home Apron that says; "Ask Me How to Do It!" He's about 500 years old and knows exactly what you need for the job. Unfortunately he's not always the most coherent of people. Or sober. And he tends to look at you like you're speaking some intelligible language known only to aliens from the planet H872. Especially if you're a girl wearing a complete matching tracksuit that you got on sale and it's super cute.
Step Seven. Ed. So you've explained to Ed what you need to do. He looks at you for a minute; scans you up and down. He hooks his beefy fingers into his suspenders and drawls: "Alright lil' lady. Y'all need to fix yer ruf."
You'll look around thinking...y'all? But there's only me. Never mind. Justl reply "yep. That's right. Need ta fix my roof. Now this one says...." You'll trail off as Ed continues to look at you, and rocks back and forth on his heels. "Don't you have no main ta do this fer ya?" You'll retort: "No. Why, are you offering?" HE will miss the humour. He will tell you to go git a cart. So you do. Then he proceeds to load y'all (y'all!) up with 5 cans of sealant. One sealer can of sealant for the other two sealants. And then the final two cans of sealer sealant top coat. Then some fabric strips, three or four putty knife thingys, and some other miscellaneous tools that you'll never exactly know what they're for. Bemused, you'll say, "thanks Ed" and he'll nod and shuffle off.
Step Eight. Sneak over to the windows & doors aisle. Stealthily , leave the entire cart of sealant orgyness hidden between the porch door display. Sneak back to the sealant area; grab the ten dollar can and hightail it to the checkout. Grab a cheapy brush by the register. Remember to also grab more Fire ant killer stuff. The orange bag works best.
Step Nine. Return to Trailer. Hard part over; manoever your ladder to the back. Hoist the can & brush up to roof. Back down the ladder to grab your warm water & bleach bucket. Clean the trailer roof of whatever science project is currently in progress. If doing this midmorning then the sun will dry the roof for ya. If not sun dried then you'll also need some rags or a ratty towel. Spread a good thick coat of sealant down. This part is the fun part. Do as far as you can reach. Don't stretch out too far.
If you do, then you'll be needing to repeat steps 2-9. After you get back from the hospital & your collarbone heals that is.
Step 10. Good job! Survey your work with pride. You did it! Tcha. But look at the state of your NAILS!!! Immediately head to closest salon for manicure. After all, you deserve it. You fixed your trailer roof!
How To: Give a Cat A Pill
YOU WILL NEED:
The meds, a big towel, a turkey baster, cat treats, peroxide, bandaids and a cup of water. Oh, and the cat.
1. First, ready all the medication. Have them placed on the floor in your kitchen.
2. Place towel on floor.
3. Place turkey baster in water; fill it up. Place on floor beside all other items.
4. Entice cat with cat treats. When he comes over to you, grab him. When he squirms away, proceed to chase. Approximately one half-hour later, you should be able to succeed in pulling him out from behind the chair/couch/sofa/bed/oven/table.
5. Bring back to kitchen. Keep a firm hold.
6. Sit down or fall down, whatever is easiest. Keep cat on lap, and grab towel.
7. Wrap cat firmly in towel, keeping all paws, legs and tails safely trapped within.
8. Flip him over like a baby, and shift most of his weight onto your right arm, cradling his head back.
9. Move the pills within easy reach. If possible keep them in your left hand. Your right should be holding the cat. If it isn't - repeat steps 3-9.
10. Move turkey baster & water within close reach.
11. With your right hand; jiggle the cat so you can reach his muzzle. Scoop back his upper muzzle (under where those cute whisker marks are) and pull his mouth open. This may take several tries.
12. When he gets away, repeat steps 3-12.
13. With cats' mouth open; pop the pill in as far back as you can. Preferably at the back of his tongue.
14. Quickly shift his weight in your arm and close his mouth firmly. Reach for the turkey baster with your left hand. Re-open cat's mouth and squirt just a tiny bit of water in. This should cause his swallowing reflex to kick in, and he should swallow the pill. Make sure to keep his head tilted up, and not back. If cat seems to choke or is overly freaking out; release cat immediately.
15. If he swallowed it, Great! Good job! If not...repeat steps 1- 14.
16. When all else fails - tell him the story of The Big Boy Tigers and how they ALWAYS take their pills.
17. Release cat.
18. Clean up water, turkey baster, and clumps of cat hair.
19. Grab peroxide, and bandaids, and make your way to the bathroom to tend your wounds.
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